Friday, February 2, 2018

Some Helpful Tips for a Little Lovin' on St. Valentine's Day.


Let me start by begging, nay, imploring you as I do each Valentine's Day:  No stuffed, cutesy, baby-talking, droopy-eyed, stuffed animals for the person you love, you want to love, you need to love, or love to watch through a window at 2:17 a.m. while the person sleeps.  No judgment but either way, please no stuffed animals.  With that out of the way, I want to say congratulations to Matt Barber of Hot Wachulas for his back-to-back perfect scores.  He does keep a high bar and the TOTY race interesting.  If this keeps up, it looks like it is going to be another foot race to the end.  With the crazy weather we have had in Florida, I'm sure I speak for everyone when I say I look forward to more comfortable days with cool or even cold nights.  Cold nights are good for what we collectively call lovin'.  So as everyone prepares for the day celebrating all things love related, I had a few suggestions to make the night extra special or terrifying.....your choice.  Feel free to use these as you see fit unless that way ends up in a restraining order in which case you're on your own.  Men, you have to set the mood, and what better way than with the sweet, soothing, sultry sounds of the mysterious crooner known as Barry White Sauce.  Granted, this Barry is not as widely known as THE Barry White; however, he is a huge hit in Northern Alabama where he can be found making hearts melt and loins loosen at most local watering holes/retirement centers.  Greatest hits available on 8-track and good old vinyl.  For those of you who prefer to fish at the pond of love at the annual family reunion, nothing sparks the embers of love like the hit, "If Lovin' You is Wrong, I Don't Wanna Be Right."  Are you currently doing 10-15 years for a crime you didn't commit?  No problem as I've got you covered.  For those experiencing that unfortunate incarceration, nothing gets you ready for the prison prom like the classic, "Sleeping Single in a Single Cell."  With playlist set, we move on to the setting.  Here's a helpful tip from Grandpa's Pride BBQ, it would be a poor decision to light 328 candles in a 10 x 10 bedroom.  While candles are quite the mood enhancement for ooh la la, a fully involved conflagration and a visit from the local fire brigade does exemplify the term "coitus interruptus."  That is unless you're into getting hosed down and skin removed with a fire hose at 75 psi....again no judgments.   As for food di amore, you can't go wrong with chocolate dipped strawberries, Slim Jims, and Boone's Farm; however, if you want to veer off the beaten path and highlight your creativity and thus subconsciously communicate to the object of your affection your prowess and ability to provide, nothing says Hubba Hubba like anything cooked over open fire.  This hearkens back the primitive times when Ook was trying to bag and tag the lovely Gerta.  From Raccoon to Rib-eye steak, kill it and grill it.  Along those lines, nothing, and I mean nothing, drives the women wild like a little dab of liquid smoke behind one's ears.  Oh yeah.....that's it.  There are many important points I would like to see everyone take away from this article:  (1) Yes I am legally married and she married me willingly 19 years ago (2) Love should be celebrated every day of the year and not just on some day that is also known for one of the biggest gang hits of the Capone Era (3) Stalking and misunderstood Committed Love have a very, very thin line of legal delineation.  At least that's what a friend told me.  Anyway, y'all take care, and for the love of all things good and great in this world, please don't buy the stuffed animals, and Riley says hello.

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