Wednesday, May 4, 2016

Top 10 Reasons BBQ'ers Rock.....Allegedly

So this is my first foray into the world of Smoke Bits the Florida BBQ Association's newsletter, and I am honored to have been asked to provide a monthly submission to this publication.  Meanwhile, I'm sitting here at my computer with the cursor just blinking at me in what I would call complete and abject mockery, and if you know me you know I know mockery....and sarcasm.....and dry wit....and getting myself into trouble due to my smart mouth on a regular basis.  Not to be outdone by my twitchy, silicone-driven nemesis, I have cobbled together a Top 10 List related to BBQ and those who practice this dark art. So without further adieu: From the home office in Lake Winnemucka, the Top 10 Reasons BBQ'ers rock:

10) Never knowing when the Orwellian uprising will occur, keeping the delicious and domestic pig, chicken, and cow population under control one FBA, KCBS, IBCA, etc. competition at a time.
9) Only optimistic group that will spend between $750.00 and $133,933.00 in a weekend to win $25.00, a small $3.50 trophy, and to hear your team name called all the while referring to the weekend as 'a great success.'
8) Our idea of 'formal fashion' is having a competition t-shirt without any sauce/injection/meat stains and clean shorts to match.
7) Can keep a recipe or cooking method secret way better than any current female, loud-mouthed, inept, train-wreck of a presidential candidate could ever hope to do.  Seriously folks, the maniacal smile is creepy.
6) Able to use one word regularly without sounding perverted or asked to leave church: Moist.
5) Manly enough to drink all night Friday all the while trying to get some guy named Ed's attention by yelling, “Ed, Ed, hey Ed, Ed, hey Ed, Ed!” but still have intestinal fortitude to make it to 6:30 a.m. Cook's Church sober as a judge.
4) Can bend the laws of physics and back a 40 foot trailer into a 20 foot space and still have room left for two 10 x 10 easy up's, a large off set, and two top-name coolers.
3) No matter how old we get, we can still say proudly, “Hey, I've got great wood!”
2) Have knife skills that would rival any ninja, plastic surgeon, or serial I hear.

And the #1 reason BBQ'ers rock (insert drum roll here):

The only competition sport where a middle-aged, balding, slightly rotund guy can be treated as a 70's arena rock star minus all the hotel destroying, groupie antics.  (Insert TA-DAAAA here).  Y'all take care, and Riley says hello, and thanks for reading.  Be sure to tell others where you got it.