Wednesday, March 11, 2015

I Can Stop Anytime I Want to......I Just Don't Want To!!!

As I have said time and time before, I am a licensed mental health counselor and am the team leader for a first-episode psychosis program.  I'm also a substance use disorder counselor.  I'm really proud of my team and what we do.  So with that, you would think I would have a unique insight into the psyche of the BBQ addiction, and that I might have some higher sense of self control.  I laugh in your face.  I have written on the woes of BBQ addiction previously, and I have been careful not to 'self disclose' too much.  I will say without question, I've got a new monkey on my back:  BBQ Pits.  Yes, I still dance with the devil when it comes to BBQ ribs, pork, brisket, chicken, sauces, rubs, injections, brines, brushes, knives, sharpeners, pellets, wood chunks, and charcoal.  I have discovered a new and equally horrifying addiction in BBQ pits/smokers.  The smells, the sounds, and the shiny wheels have me hooked.  Many of you have heard me talk about or have seen the Frankensmoker Mk. 2.3.  I have also recently been talking about/planning to cut up with a chainsaw my newest creation the Igor Mk. 1.0.  You would think two would be enough?  Right.  I mean, really, how many smokers can I guy need?  Yeah, I too laugh every time I say that.  Just so we are clear, need has nothing to do with it.  One needs oxygen, food, cable t.v., good coffee, and companionship.  I don't recall seeing BBQ smokers/pits on Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs.  As we say in the biz, "One beer is too many and a 1,000 aren't enough."  Smokers are the same for me.  There are so many different sizes, shapes, and styles.  Some are towed, some are rolled around on casters.  Some are cheap and some aren't.  She's a cruel mistress.  So, how exactly do you know you are addicted to BBQ smokers.  I'm glad you asked.....even if you didn't.  Please, allow me to elucidate and share the warning signs.  (1) You already have a good BBQ smoker, but you just can't help but wondering, "Maybe this other one does better."  (2)  You buy/build another BBQ smoker all the while telling yourself, "My other smoker is really good.....really......I don't need this one.....I'll build it just for fun.....Like a hobby......What harm could one more do?" (3) You pass up the Victoria's Secret catalog in the mail for the newest edition of the "BBQ Times" and go immediately to the ads filled with all the joy and anticipation the average 14 year old boy is when he finds the Victoria's Secret Catalog.  (4)  Re-read #3 because that's just wrong and every guy knows it.  (5)  Your garage/yard is starting to look like a BBQ pit showroom i.e. you mow your yard and find a smoker you lost last winter.  (6)  You find yourself trying to convince yourself that $5,000.00 for a really good smoker isn't a bad price at all.  (7) Your kid/dog needs braces, and you struggle with the thought process of, "So what if he can eat corn off the cob through a picket fence, it builds character, right?  Makes him tougher" versus "But honey, it's on sale for only $4,995.00!.....$4,995.00!!!!"  (8)  You find yourself talking to your BBQ smokers and giving them names like Frankensmoker or Igor.  Yes, I too struggle with this addiction.  I believe I'm in good company.  Facebook is full of people showing off their smokers.  Keith Fearn's looks like the General Lee.....very cool by the way.  Forrest has (ahem) a couple laying around.  The very popular Frankensmoker is littered with stickers, the bottom of a boot (yes, for real), my trophy decals, many stains, hooks, and my team logo.  It gets way more visitors at a competition than I do.  I'm interested to see how Igor will do with the masses when we go to Dothan's Tri-State BBQ Festival in April.  So, do I care if I'm hooked?  No.  Do I see it as a problem if I'm looking to try to buy a Lang Smoker?  No.  Do I NEED a Lang Smoker?  Certainly not.  Will my loving wife lovingly shoot me in the head if I bring home another BBQ smoker?  Maybe, just maybe.  That's the beauty of the addiction.  There is no logic or care.  I just look and drool over the smokers for sale.  Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.  I really should look into a self-help group of people also addicted to BBQ smokers.  I bet I could find a really cool connection there.  Forrest, you can go with me.  Anyway, y'all take care, and if you see me at the lemon lot ogling a BBQ smoker, honk and wave with all of your fingers.  Riley says hello, and Sherri says, "Honey, we need to go to the range're paid up on your insurance right?  I would hate for there to be a 'tragic accident' over the new BBQ pit."  Wow......Y'all take care.

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