Monday, September 29, 2014

Did You Hear Something......It Came from Porktoberque.

So, yet another BBQ competition has come and gone, and here I sit at my computer trying to describe Grandpa's Pride BBQ's outcome.  I thought the picture was appropriate, so please use it as a guide as you deliberate how you think we performed.  Any questions?  With that said, we finished 24th out of 29, and given the WIDE range of scores, I'm happy with that.  There were many positives taken from this outing.  Positive #1:  We didn't come in dead last.  Positive #2:  There was no angry mob of villagers with torches and pitchforks banging on Shangri-La while shouting, "You call this BBQ?!?!?!?!?!?"......which was nice.  Positive #3:  I managed to get home before backing Shangri-La into my house, and I mean literally "into my house."  Minor damage to a running light but major damage to my ego.  I also learned a really good lesson:  When one puts one's truck into park, it is a generally accepted grand idea to put one's truck into park prior to exiting said truck.  I never knew I could move with the agility and speed of a hungry puma.  Maybe I have super powers and haven't tapped into them yet.  I could even be a super hero and just don't know it yet.  Agility and speed of a hungry puma, strength of 10 3rd graders, eye sight of a marmoset, and reflexes of a crock pot.  Yeah........probably not.  I'm almost certain I would make a really bad super hero.  Before you judge me and you know you are, I was really tired.  Moving on to the good stuff, well mostly, BBQ.  So Porktoberque was another nice event held in my home town of Dothan which lies in the heart of God's Country or Alabama as some call it.  I was able to get there and get set up just in time to find I, along with a few others, had deeply upset the circus.  How in all that is fun and quirky does one manage to single-handily upset an entire circus?  I mean come's the FREAKIN' CIRCUS!!!  Apparently, we weren't supposed to set up as early as we did.  Who knew?  This mix up triggered a traumatic relapse, and I had dreams all night of clown commandos launching a sneak attack against my person.  Hey, I saw Killer Clowns from Outer Space.  I know what they can do, and it ain't pretty.  Sure, they look all fun and happy twisting their balloons into dogs, hats, and various dictators throughout history, but I make it a point of never trusting a man in really big shoes and enough make up to make RuPaul say, "Damn girlfriend, back off the eye liner!"  Anyway, we got set up and actually got prep done pretty early.  The cook went well, or so I thought.  Our chicken looked really good, and the taste was not just was missing that little something.  Ribs turned out fairly good unless you were a judge.  In which case, they were calling for my head.  Butt was our best entry at 14th place, and our brisket tightened up and was described by one person as 'spicy'.  At least I think she said spicy.  After all, it was hard to understand what she said under the oxygen mask put on her by the paramedics.  It may be time to readjust my rubs.  That or submit them to the U.S. Army since water boarding was outlawed.  Pansies.  Anyway, the competition was not a total loss.  I did gain some more experience, got to see some people that I do enjoy seeing and finally had some of the good groceries prepared by one Forrest Dilmore.  He is to the dutch oven cooking process as Michelangelo was to painting really big places.  His strawberry cobbler is enough to make a grown man openly weep.  I'm not kidding,  Really good food.  He prepared brisket and rice, biscuits, mac-n-cheese, the aforementioned cobbler, and greens.  Thank you again Forrest.  Congrats to Uncle Kenny's BBQ for taking Grand and Woodhouse BBQ for RGC.  It was nice to see Ed Lovett of Poolside BBQ, Bobby Lankford from Haulin' Butt BBQ, Forrest Dilmore of Forrest's Fine Foods, Jim Bentley of JB's BBQ, and the family of Wink's BBQ.  I even met a couple of new people like Keith Fern.  Prayers for continued recovery my new friend.  I'm sure I'm missing many so please forgive me.  All in all, it was a good time with pretty nice weather.  Kerry Ferrell did a great job as always.  I may not have another competition this year due to job requirements; however, I will try to do one in Perry or in Jacksonville.  If I go to Jacksonville, I get to see an old friend from my days of fighting the red hoard, Jim Haskett.  We served together in Montana and played many a mean game of Rummy 5000.  I do remember him fondly and a great guy.  Time will tell.  Anyway, y'all take care, and Riley says, "Hey dummy!!!  You just ran into the house.......moron."  Stupid dog.